This was the third Halloween without Jen and the second one with Missy. I have realized a few things as a widow; one being that the first year of something new is normally a numbing experience and the second year is a hard one. I had experienced two anniversaries as a widow before dating Missy. The first one was less than two months after Jen passed away and everyone was just numb about it. The second one people wanted to remember and try to even celebrate it with me. It was an uncomfortable day that proved to be a lot harder emotionally then the year prior. I found myself waiting for the time to pass so that I could be home alone with the boys snuggled in my bed. This Halloween was the second one with Missy in our lives and it kept my theory alive. Last year went good if you ask me. Missy told me she felt comfortable and at ease with the evening and I felt the same. This years was slightly different. I always find myself working up the scenario because of my own insecurities. I think, "are the trick-or-treater's going to avoid the house because we're the people who's wife and mother died?" I wonder, "are the kids going to have a break down cause they miss mommy while we stand at a neighbor's doorway waiting for treats?" I get nervous thinking, "is tonight the night when I'm going to think I see Jen and not know how to handle it?" It's all crazy stuff right? But it's all happened before in the past. The setting has been different for each one of those scenarios but they all have happened.
This year we invited the usual family members and a few neighbors that we know and who the kids are friends with. One of the neighbors, Carrie is part of the mom's group Jen belong to. I'm close to all the ladies of the mom's group and I have seen the difficulties of the loss of Jen in their lives, along with the difficulties of me dating. I have a lot of respect for the women from the mom's group and I don't want to hurt them more by dating in front of them. This is one of the hardest part of our lives. How do I support and grow with Missy when I'm almost afraid to do it in front of the friends who knew Jen. It's hard to do, and I know I don't do it right. If I don't support Missy then I feel like I could push her away. No one wants to be in their own home and not be supported by their partner. On the flip side, if I don't support "Jen's side" then I feel like I am betraying Jen and therefore the boys, followed by the family and friends involved in that scenario. Most people see this as a no win situation, and all though I can agree I don't want to. I know I can do both even though I will fail at trying along the way. I feel like I can love, grow and support Missy and our relationship while honoring Jen and her memory. The hard part is getting everyone else on board with that. I think it's wrong of me to ask that of them, but I sure as hell hope for it.
This year I should have know it would be a little more difficult. A little over a month before Halloween, Missy and I switched out some of the pictures in the house. Missy had gone to my therapist, Angela, without me because she said, she needed to talk to someone about us but away from me. I'm the kind of guy who wants to be the "everything person" in a relationship, so this hurt a bit. I try to be everything to my partner so that they know I'm always here for them, that I'm going to try to help in every way. So when Missy said this, I was a little defensive and upset. After she returned from Angela's I was excited to hear the outcome and to help work on the issue at hand. Missy told me she wasn't ready to talk about it. It took six days before she finally did and it turned out to be a big thing. Missy told me she didn't feel like the house was her home, she felt it was mine and Jen's but not hers. Jen and I had moved into our house two months before she passed away. There were only two things up on the wall at the time of her passing and the garage still had about fifty unopened boxes yet to be taken care of. So for me the house always felt like mine, not ours in relationship to Jen. But for Missy she said she felt like she was cheating with another woman's husband. That was hard to hear and it was the last thing I ever want for Missy to feel. That night we started the process of taking down the appropriate pictures and moving the others to a more perfect location in the house. Some went into the boys room, others went into the hallway and the others came down. It was hard and difficult and sad and exciting and bonding and beautiful and most of all respectful. It became a huge positive in all of our lives. It gave life to the girls in the house as a more permanent fixture with their pictures up. It made us all feel more connected and like a family. It did what it should do and I should have done it about two months sooner. Here's the difficulty, as a widow people are around all the time after your spouse passes. Some good and some bad. Then you start dating and most of those people disappear. It's understandable, but it's sad as well. Because of this fact and several others, not to many people come over to your house anymore. After we changed out the pictures the only people who came over and saw it were my parents and Jen'smom, Shila. So on Halloween when my sister entered the house it was the first time for her to see it. Jen and her were best friends and I knew it would sting to see the changes. My sister has been a huge part of my life and even more so after Jen passed. Since I've been dating Missy, my sister and I are not as close but there are several reasons for that. I asked my sister if she saw the new pictures and asked how she felt about it. She said, "yeah" and told me it was fine. She said the ones in my room were a little harder to manage cause she liked them but it was fine. She and I didn't speak but a sentence or two after that all night long. I felt her avoiding me and avoiding Missy. At one point I had to search the house for Missy, she was hanging out in the kitchen alone and after I pressed about the feeling of avoidance by my sister she started to cry. She said she felt my sister was avoiding her. She said she felt like she didn't belong, like her and her girls should leave. She said the house did not feel like her home anymore. It was a tough spot for her, for all of us.
It was hard for Shila too. I saw it on her face a few times. Jen and Shila would always get the boys costumes and get them ready. I'm sure Shila feels like she doesn't belong sometimes as well. We try to make sure she is involved and part of all of our lives but it's got to hurt. My sister and Shila talked by themselves a lot. They gave the feeling like they were talking about Jen and felt like they couldn't do it in an open way with everyone else. It adds to the feeling for Missy that she doesn't belong which is understandable. It pisses me off because I keep asking for everyone to talk about Jen when they want to so that we can work through the difficulties together and tell stories to create lasting memories for the boys. I guess my utopia will have to wait for everyone to get to that comfortable place.
I know I see things different than everyone else when it comes to the loss of Jen. I miss her yes, but I thank her everyday. I thank her for all that she has given and taught me and shown me. I thank her for the boys and our life. Some people don't get that or understand that. The best way I can describe it is like this; Every minute of every day I miss Jen in some way. My deep mourning and understanding started the moment I got the news that she was never going to come out of her coma and it has never stopped once since then. For family members like Shila, her grief process has been similar to mine in the sense of a time line. For friends of Jen'sthat saw her once a week, their day 6 of mourning is my day 42. For those who saw Jen twice a year their day 2 is my day 365. I will come to terms and understanding and appreciation faster than anyone as long as I'm open to the process. If I'm closed up and shut down and angry at the whole thing I will prolong the process. If that be the case then my day 365 will feel like day 2, and I have too much life and love to allow that to happen. I have three young boys who won't benefit by that and I have a legacy of Jen that won't grow like that.
Missy gets it. She gets me, she gets the boys, she gets the bull shit of it and she gets the beauty of it. But mainly she gets Jen and what Jen means to all of us. She's the first to ask a question about her, or tell the boys how much they look like her. She listens to my stories about Jen and at the right times injects them into the boy's lives. It's a hard and shitty spot to be in, the partner of a widow. When you look at it for what it is, a partner of a widow should be praised and held high. They are helping your friend or loved one, your family member to be loved and supported. They hold the widow while they cry and ache because of their loss. They selflessly give into the hurt and anger of the family and friends who lash out at them because they are "taking the place" of their loved one. Word of advice, the loved one who passed away is irreplaceable, don't ever think they can be replaced; and the person now "taking the place" is actually on your side. Maybe then the holidays might be fun again.
This is one of my best friends, Ben. Every year he dresses up for a costume contest at work, for the county, and he normally wins. This year was no different. Had I have know he was dressing like this I might have made a costume made out of a large foil ball to help complete the look.
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