Saturday, September 15, 2012

Butterflies


Trevor found this tonight as he was playing outside. Our family believes butterflies are Jen's special way of visiting us.

Saturday, August 4, 2012

Changes


 For the past three years, I have worked for Down Syndrome Information Alliance (DSIA) and SCOE Infant Development Program. I actually founded DSIA with a few other families in 2004 and took some time off while I was with the Sheriff’s Department. And I have been with SCOE since 2003. Both jobs allow me to work mostly from home with an occasional meeting in and around Sacramento – usually during school hours. And although working from home has MANY privileges, it is also a huge struggle for me to stay focused. Either on the kids, the house or work. They all mingle together and then I feel like I am not doing any one of them very well. So, to make sure I get a few solid hours in, I usually wake up around 5 am, grab a quick workout or run, and then get to work before all the kiddos wake up. It seems to be working for us.

About a month ago a job position was posted for a Family Resource and Support Specialist for the WarmLine Family resource Center. WarmLine is a non-profit organization that provides resources and support to families and professionals that are involved with children with special needs. I have wanted to work more closely with their Executive Director, Kelly Young, who I greatly admire and know I can learn a lot from. So, I chatted it over with Andy, updated my resume and off I went. I had two interviews and was offered the position.

And then panic sunk in! Three days a week in an office???? This fall we have all six kiddos in school (although Cody and Evey go opposite days, so one of them are always home) - 6 kids in school - 3 different schools in Carmichael, Roseville and Granite Bay.  Plus, I have not worked outside the home since before I had Evey!

Thankfully, Andy is at home full time, so it makes it easier.  He is a fantastic Daddy and a great partner… he does laundry, dishes, cleans and cooks. And takes care of the kids flawlessly. Here’s a recent post on Facebook to prove it:

Yeah I'm having a beer at 1pm on a Thursday afternoon. It's ok to judge. Some might think it's because it's just me and the kids at home today with out Missy, maybe cause I did breakfast for everyone, or because I ran and emptied the dishwasher already, maybe cause I did 2 loads of laundry and they are put away now, maybe because I did a little work in the garage earlier, or perhaps because I cooked hot dogs on the grill which always elicits a beer, or maybe because we all had some fruit with our dogs to balance out the not so healthy lunch or maybe because we have colored and played "shop" twice already; ummm NOPE. You see that's all part of being a parent. You don't need FB with it's 20 comments to tell you way to go, you just need to gauge your work by that of your child. Are they the person you want them to be? Are they acting the way you want them to? Are you teaching them the best you can? 

So why the beer? Because I can. Cheers :) — with Heather Green. 



With Andy home, the house still runs smooth, the children are at home with a parent, and all would seem good.  Everyone seems to be adjusting well to this new change, except me.  Well, the kids and me. Ok, Andy, the kids and Me. Cody runs after me every morning as I am walking out the door because he doesn’t want me to leave – and then tells Andy he doesn’t want me to leave because he’s afraid I won’t come back like his Mommy. So, Andy is left at home to deal with that with no physical support from me and I am left driving to work wondering how everyone is. Evey tells me, “I don’t want you do go Mommy it’ll take too long for you to get back home,” Dylan has cried because there are mornings that I am gone before he wakes up. Trevor gives me the silent treatment – which is how he deals with things (man, can I relate to that kid!). Lucy has expressed her dislike of me working all day plenty of times and Gabby says “I miss you, but can you print me more word searches before you go?” I love her straightforwardness.  The work that I am doing with WarmLine, DSIA and SCOE is important, rewarding and inspiring. The kids and Andy are enjoying the last week and a half before school starts. And we even managed to plan a kid free weekend. I love my children more than I love the Dodgers, Peanut Butter with Chocolate, and Peppermint mochas…. But I am definitely looking forward to some down time with the person that takes care of me, loves me and supports me the most.  After spending the last two years side by side, it has been a big adjustment with me out of the home so much.  

I know I am having huge issues with being away from home so much. That, coupled with the fact that the kids go back to school so soon has me overwhelmed. I am left wondering where did summer go? What about all the crafty, fun things I pinned on Pinterest that I wanted to do? I have to keep reminding myself that just because school starts does not mean that our lives are over. Even though I may feel like it. J

I am off to enjoy a wonderful weekend with the love of my life. He sent me an evite to each activity he planned for us… a walk, movie, coffee and bookstore, miniature golf, dinner at “our restaurant” and breakfast in bed. I love him.



Sunday, July 22, 2012

127 hours


“You know, I've been thinking, everything is...just comes together. It's me. I chose this. I chose all of this. This rock...this rock has been waiting for me my entire life. It's entire life. Ever since it was a bit of meteorite a million, billion years ago. There in space. It's been waiting, to come here. Right, right here. I've been moving towards it my whole life. The minute I was born, every breath I've taken, every action has been leading me to this crack on the out surface.” Aron Ralston


127 Hours Movie Trailer

As Andy and I watched the movie, 127 Hours, about the hiker, Aron Ralston, who got his arm trapped and had to cut it off to escape, this line really stayed with me.  Andy and I believe our love is so great because we choose it. Everything in our past has lead us to this point and we choose to be together. We choose to love each other. There is nothing that binds us expect our desire to love each other. To show each other love, every minute of every day.

I’ve made mistakes in my past - big ones and small ones.

I’ve suffered unimaginable hurt by people who claimed to love me.

I’ve suffered from a grief so overwhelming, I have tried to will myself to stop breathing as I held my dad as he died from cancer.  

And, I have done monumental things…I gave birth to three amazing little human beings. I’ve slept nose to nose and held them close as I breathed them in. I gave them life.

I’ve accomplished many successful things in my professional life and met many life long goals.

And now I love beyond measure. In ways I have never known.
And I am, in return, loved beyond measure; in ways I have never known.

Andy is the one I choose. And it is hard to love in the midst of chaos and craziness. To not let others influence, affect or hurt our relationship. I choose him to love. It’s so powerful to know that. And to know that he chooses to love me back. We followed a lifetime of decisions that brought us to a place of undeniable love.

I stopped writing this a many months ago… it brought about so many emotions for me... Guilt, anger, sadness, hatred, hurt. 

After many, many months of reading books, counseling, connecting with family and writing letters, I am finally feeling a sense of peace and confidence. Peace that those who hurt me did so because they have problems, not because I do. Confidence that I can overcome and be the mother, sister, aunt, daughter, partner and friend I want to be. I will continue to move forward daily, changing moment by moment, honoring myself, admitting when I am wrong, asking for forgiveness and giving forgiveness. I will not let the past ruin my future. I will learn from it and move on.  I will even be grateful for it, because it has brought me here. I deserve all life has to give me, to be happy and loved. 




Here are some really wonderful and insightful books that we recommend: 








Saturday, February 11, 2012

Exciting and Promising News for Gabby Girl!


I wanted to share with you a powerful appointment that we had for Gabby on Thursday.
For a little bit of history… Gabby was diagnosed with Apraxia when she was much younger. She also has Celiac Disease – an allergy to gluten. 
Gabby’s speech seems to be coming more and more less clear. I have a hard time understating what she says sometimes, when I used to be the one person that understood everything she said.  Once we got her hearing issues sorted out (she gets yeast infections in her ears that causes blockage and a conductive hearing loss) I knew there was something more to her unclear speech.
Renee Roy Hill is a speech and language pathologist with 11 years of professional experience and is the owner of Crossroads Therapy Clinic in Texas. She provides therapeutic assessments and program planning for adults and children with oral-motor/oral-placement, feeding and motor speech deficits. Renee is a lecturer for professional enhancement courses as part of TalkTools Therapy® / ITI’s speakers bureau, is the author of the TalkTools Therapy® Apraxia Kit and is co-author of the Ice Sticks Program. She presents one and two-day courses on Oral-Placement Therapy techniques, Apraxia and Assessment and Program Plan Development.  She also conducts off-site evaluations and provides parent/home interventionist training seminars to implement home-based therapy programs.
She was in town this week to lecture for SASHA on Friday. DSIA paid her hotel to come early two extra days, allowing families to make appointments with her for evaluations or program follow up appointments (If they had previous evaluations by her or Sarah Rosenfeld Johnson). Our family decided to make an appointment with her. 
Renee evaluated her and found out so many things about Gabby that we never could “pinpoint” or figure out and I would like to share.
Gabby is super hypo sensitive. Renee was able to put a toothette very far down the back of her throat without Gabby gagging. Gabby has a left weak cheek and strong right cheek. And a strong left jaw and weak right jaw.
Renee observed Gabby eating. She chews with her mouth closed, but only because we have told her to. She actually does not have enough strength to chew properly with her mouth closed. When eating, Gabby moves her mouth up and down, but her food stays in the center of her mouth and never gets chewed. Then Gabby requires a big gulp to get the food down – because she has such weak muscles. So, Gabby is swallowing big gulps of air and whole pieces of food. No wonder her tummy hurts all the time!
Gabby has big mouth movements and small mouth movements… but nothing in between. And these are the movements you need for good, refined speech.
I always assumed Gabby’s aversion to certain foods is because it is typically gluten based food she avoids – crackers, cereals, cookies, chips, cakes, etc.… Renee assured me that Gabby avoids those foods because she knows she can’t chew them and she can’t swallow them. She knows she would choke. Because she has such weak muscles and is so hypo sensitive, not only would she choke, but also she doesn’t have the gag reflux to get food back up.
Gabby then read a book to Renee. Renee closed the book, looked at me and said Gabby does NOT have apraxia.  Most of you know I could care less about diagnoses/labels, just tell me what I need to do to help her.
Renee did an amazing job of explaining how severe Gabby’s muscle weakness is, yet, reassuring us that there is no reason that Gabby cannot have clear speech.  Gabby is super smart and has found many ways to overcompensate for her weakness.
Gabby’s ST from school was there for the appointment as well. While observing the assessment she stated, “Well, at some point, Gabby will only reach a certain level, right?”
Renee reassured us that NO ONE levels out…. Keep strengthening your muscles… You don’t stop going to the gym once you’ve reached your ideal weight.
I am really pleased with her treatment plan. 15 minutes a day, seven days a week of exercises for her mouth, jaw, etc.…. and one feeding exercise… 6 bites reminding Gabby to chew with back teeth. After that, Gabby is done with “therapy” Let her eat at mealtimes the way she wants to – eating needs to be enjoyable and in time, the correct eating with transfer over to mealtimes.
When I got home, I thanked Andy for the sacrifice (financially) our family made for this appointment and he said something to me I will never forget. He said “We did not do this just for Gabby. We did this for our whole family. Gabby deserves to be heard and we deserve to hear her”  Many of the reasons I love him so. 
I am excited about these changes. I am excited to hear all Gabby has to say. I am excited to have a conversation with her on the phone and not have to ask what she said. I am excited to see her blossom into the next stage of her life, as she is able to more openly communicate with her family and friends.
Gabby

Friday, January 20, 2012

Down the Rabbit Hole


Andy and I just watched the movie Rabbit Hole yesterday.  But let’s back up to this past week.
Andy’s sister in law passed away on January 10th after a brave fight with breast cancer. She left behind a devoted husband and two small girls. Obviously this is very close to us and brings up many many memories and feelings for the boys. Many a night I have tucked Cody into bed and as I stroke his hair, he tells me “ I want my mommy to come back but she can’t. I miss my mommy.” And all I can say  is “I know Buddy, I wish your mommy could come back. I am so sorry. I want my Daddy to come back too and he can’t”
The three-year anniversary of my father passing away was January 18th. I found myself reliving everything leading up to that day - the smell of his bedroom, the feel of his hand in mine as he stopped breathing and the ache in my heart when he was gone.
Dad, hg, g, l
So, what do we decided to do on a cold, dark, rainy afternoon? Watch a movie about a couple that loses their 4-year-old son, and in turn, almost lose each other.
In typical fashion, we dissected every part of the movie and talk in depth about how easily that situation could tear a marriage apart.  We talked about guilt and blame.
This is a stinging point for me. Every time I reflect on my life…. My joys and blessings and focus on what I am grateful for – my New Year’s resolution is journal writing and I try to start off with three things I am grateful for – I feel the sting of reality. I would have none of this if someone else hadn’t died.
And I feel that is how some people perceive me, like I was waiting on the sidelines for Jen to pass away so I could sweep in and have her great life.
Sometimes it’s hard to be happy and feel gratitude when you feel guilt.
It was at this point in our conversation when I heard Cody’s puffs of breaths as he was laying in the hallway behind our couch. It is his way of telling us he is awake, but doesn’t want to get in trouble for getting up.
We called him up into out laps and snuggled with him. Andy asked if he had any dreams and he said yes. “Oh really, what did you dream about?” Andy asked. “Mommy” Cody sweetly replied. “What were you and mommy doing?” Andy asked him. And Cody said “Watching Cars 1”
I hugged him and I couldn’t stop myself. I found myself sobbing. He wasn’t scared. He just kept hugging me back. I caught Andy’s eye for a second too and he was crying. I couldn’t stop… It lasted for a good 2-3 minutes. Just tears. Then Cody gave me a sweet kiss and went into the playroom to play with Dylan and Trevor.
I told Andy “I hope that when the boys grow up, they know that I would have done anything to give them their mommy back. But there is nothing I can do, so I just love them”
Andy and I talk a lot about people’s perception. It is my strong belief that in general society seems to be more tolerant of a married spouse falling in love with someone else and having an affair, than a widow/er grieving and finding love again.
As if now that Andy and I are together, we don’t talk about Jen. But that’s the farthest from the truth. I ask questions about her and listen to stories of their dating, engagement and wedding. I listen to childbirth and vacation stories.  We talk about their relationship in terms of marriage and parenting. 
And we look at pictures, and videos. I just found a great picture of Jen and the boys I have always liked and put it up on the fridge for all to see. When we had Jen’s birthday celebration at the house, I stayed in bed with Cody and watched the slideshow of Jens pictures from her memorial. I think we watched it three times. And I laminated pictures of Jen, Andy and the boys to hang on the boy’s backpacks.  The same backpack that every time we pick up Trevor from school Cody grabs and says, “Trev, I please look at my mommy’s picture”
The reasons behind this are many fold. The first one is that everything in Andy’s past made him the man I love. And that includes Jen. She helped create the partner and father I love and respect. The second one is that I made a promise to do anything to make sure the boys know everything they can about Jen. That we never let her memory die and that she is an important person in our family.
Does any of that make it any easier…. Honestly, no. It still stings when the boys cry “I miss Mommy” and he responds with “I know, me too.” And my mind races…. What does he miss? What am I not providing? What am I not doing? Am I enough? Will I ever be? Do you know what it is like to constantly compare your self to a dead person? I do, and I always fall short. 
I do know, though, at the end of the day. When I tuck three little boys into bed and I get hugs, kisses and “I love you’s” that it IS enough - in that moment. And when Andy tells me he loves me, and he’s so glad I am in their lives, that it is enough. For that moment, it is enough.  And we have realized one important thing - to find Joy and Love in the moment, because that is all we have - those moments. 
Screen shot 2012-01-20 at 10.51.32 AM
Rabbit Hole Trailer