Whew!

Whew, what a busy month. 

December is an especially busy month for us, with 4 out of 8 birthdays in our immediate family, along with four different houses to go to for Christmas, as well as our own festivities.

Our holiday season started with a wonderful Thanksgiving at Andy’s sister and brother in law’s house. It was lovely and delicious!!! And then we went to Andy’s in laws to celebrate thanksgiving there! Needless to say we ate a lot of food.

The following Thursday we kept all the kids home from school and took a trip to Apple Hill to cut down our tree. Last year there was snow up to our knees. This year it was perfectly dry, although a bit windy. It took us about 20 minutes to find our perfect tree, then about another 60 to cut it down. Afterwards we enjoyed hot chocolate and cookies while Andy tied the tree to our vehicle.

Getting ready to find the perfect tree

Andy at the top of our perfect tree. Notice the smile! 

Hmm, where did his smile go?

The prefect tree is very tall apparently. This was the top of a 30 foot tree.

Mmmm..Andy swears this place has the best hot chocolate.

Trevor collected a few pine cones.

Our tree, up and decorated.

Getting the tree meant getting the Christmas decorations out of the attic, which somehow lead to a day of cleaning out the attic. Cleaning to the point that our neighbors where asking us if we were moving. We created a tote for each child so that we would have a place to put his or her special items that we want to keep forever. Needless to say, there was lots of cleaning, organizing and a flood of emotions as we opened boxes and shared stories. When it was all said and done, we had a huge tote box full of Jen’s items. From the dress she wore to prom with Andy, to the robe she wore in the hospital with all the boys, letters, cards, jewelry and pictures. All in one box. It made me very sad to think that all the boys have of their mom is in one box. And the 17 years that she had with Andy, all in one box. I broke down and just cried. Of course I know that through stories and memories and all we teach the boys about Jen, they have SO MUCH MORE than what’s in that box. Or, at least that is my hope. 

December 1^st also started the Elf on the Shelf for us. The Elf visits the children each morning, to watch over them all day and then report back to Santa at night. Of course, when he magically appears each morning, it’s an adventure for the children to find him. This created some angst for me, as every night I wanted Elfie’s hiding spot to be “better” than the last. Sometimes Elfie hung out with other toys and got into some fun, sometimes he was sneaky where he hid and sometimes he helped get the children something they had hinted at the night before (like hot chocolate).  And there were many nights as I crawled into bed; I would sit up with a panic “OH NO! I need to go do the Elf on the Shelf!!!”

Scoring points by bringing a little treat. 

Playing Hot Wheels with a Reindeer

Reading some Christmas books

Once our house was all decorated, and we started to have visitors, there seemed to be a common comment “Jeez, that’s a lot of stockings”

Yes, yes it is. And everyone one of them represents someone in our family. Someone I love beyond measure. People I would give my life for. So, when people walk into our family room and make an off comment about how many stockings we have hanging on our mantle, it’s a bit disheartening, discouraging and hurtful.


I get it, it IS a lot. Six kids, Jen, Andy, Myself and even Toby and Zack… the baby dogs. This year Dylan even made a stocking for Elfie, our Elf on a Shelf. So there is a lot. But that is my family. It is funny that a few weeks ago a friend of a friend was over  - she barely knows us and she smiled big seeing our stockings and said, “Now this is what Christmas is all about.” I agree.

The thing about it is, Andy and I made a choice for this to be our family. We had long talks, as our feelings were growing stronger, about merging our families together. We talked about the dynamics, how would it work, how would the kids handle it. And yes, we even bothered to talk about how others would feel about it. How many families do that when considering having another child? Do they wonder what their friends will say?  It’s not like Andy and I accidently had six kids. It was a choice, well beyond us falling in love, to bring our families together to raise them as one. 

December brought many birthdays, starting with mine. 

I love birthdays. And I love ice cream cake. 

The day after my birthday, is Dylan's. Cake to Celebrate! 

We did an early Christmas at Andy’s parents house, along with Jen, Bry, Sam, Sophia and Oma and Pa. We decorated gingerbread houses and ate lotsof yummy food! We introduced them to the tradition of HI/LOW. Hi/Low is when you go around the table and tell everyone what your HI is for the day and what your LOW was for the day.  This is always enlightening to say the least. It was a great night of visiting with family, eating and drinking and just being together.

Decorating Gingerbread houses! 

Decorating Gingerbread houses! 

Decorating Gingerbread houses! 

Famliy

Love! 

Then we celebrated Dylan and Lucy’s birthday together. Dylan turned 7 and Lucy turned 8.  It was a great day of family and friends.  It also left me wondering lots of things. As Andy and I hunkered down in our bathroom, where most of our talks happened. I expressed my frustration at my self, wondering and hoping that I provide for my girls at the same level that the boys are provided for. We didn’t buy the girls advent calendars like the boys have. I didn’t but them special Christmas tees or Christmas pajamas. And yet the boys have these items because of extended family. And I know it doesn’t matter; yet in a house where we raise our six children with the belief that we are one family, and there is no difference amongst us, I continuously wonder what message I am sending them. What do they feel? What do they think? Which in turns leads to all 8 of us, huddled in our bathroom floor to have this very same conversation.  After many tears, I think we were good to go and headed out to look at Christmas lights…. Which is my most favorite thing to do at Christmas time.

Singing Happy Birthday to Lucy and Dylan

Cody liked the cupcakes :)

We also started a new tradition of decorating cookies with cousins Sam, Sophia and Austin. It was GREAT fun, lots of frosting and sprinkles and wine. It’s a great memory I have from childhood and one I am looking forward to creating with my family.

Lots of kids, lots of cookies! 

Someone likes sprinkles!

Christmas Eve was magical. It was the first time all 8 of us were together, as last year; Gabby and Lucy were at their Dads. Lucy and Dylan LOVED tracking Santa on the computer.

Santa Stalking

We started off the Day at Andy’s parents house with lunch, and then assembling the luminaries that line the streets of their neighborhood. Its fun – the kids get to ride in the back of Papa’s truck to go get the sand around the corner at the park and we all work together to fill bags and line their property.

Shoveling sand into the truck.

Headed back to Grandma Betty's and Papa's to make the luminaries.

The streets lined and the Fire Department drove by with Santa.

SANTA! HAPPY KIDS!! 

We then headed off to have Christmas Eve with family friends of mine, the Anicich Family, I have known them for almost 35 years. The grown ups do a white elephant gift exchange and we ended up with a Scooby Doo Chia Pet. FOR REAL.  Then we headed back to Andy’s folks house for hot chocolate and to see the neighborhood all lite up by the luminaries. It is quickly becoming another favorite thing of mine for the holidays.

Christmas day was BUSY! Lots of presents, time at Andy’s in laws and then his Aunt and Uncles house. All in all, a great day.

Stockings! 

Daddy and Evey 

Daddy and Cody 

Daddy and his Ron Paul Stage built from Legos

Trust me, there is a small child under those presents!

Dylan handing out presents.

Can you say TIRED? 

One of the best things about going to all these places was the constant compliments that Andy and I got on our children.  I have to admit, I have never been more proud. Our children were grateful, pleasant and respectful. I have six amazing kiddos

At home, tucked into our bed for some cuddle time. 

And then, two days after Chirstmas we celebrate Cody's 4th Birthday. He was SO excited to finally have HIS BIRTHDAY! He has such a sweet soul. I wish I could put into words what this child does to my heart. He loves his mom so much. He knows his mom is in heaven and he's not afraid to say it. 

On his birthday, he carried around this picutre.

He will often ask if he can go to heaven to be with his mommy. I think I would do just about anything if somehow I could bring Jen back to him. 

We celebrated the night with family, and of course cupcakes! Happy 4th Birthday Cody! I LOVE YOU! 

BUZZ CUPCAKES

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CODY!

From our family to yours, we wish you a joyful New Year! 

Coffee Cup Friday

As the weather changes and the cool air gets colder, I am amazed at how many people I see toting around a coffee cup. I completely get the disposable cup being carried from place to place; although the thought of nearly 200-billion cups that are thrown away annually is enough to choke a horse, or even 200 billion for that matter. However, I don't get the trend of carting around your alma-mater’s coffee cup or the lead weight also known as a coffee cup given to you last Christmas from a coworker. In my mind that kind of cup is for sitting next to a warm cozy fire while it snows outside as you sip on your smooth peppermint coffee from Dunkin' Donuts.

I went with Dunkin' Donuts because I'm not a coffee drinker. I never have been. I don't get the feeling that coffee drinkers get when they close their eyes, roll them in the back of their head, slowly tilt the cup back and burn their lips right off as they indulge in what they might call, life's greatest gift. I could spout the unhealthy nature of it, or the waist of time it could be when other things need to get done or the complete pissing away of money for flavored water that it could be viewed as; but that is not why I don't drink it. I just plain don't like it. I drink water in the morning. Cause I like the taste of it. 

Even though I don't like coffee, it doesn't mean I don't understand the nostalgia behind it for most people. A moment each day where it reminds them of good times with a loved one who has since passed, the bond it brings to those in the morning, the angle it creates to make that first move with someone you are interested in, the joy it brings when given as a gift. I understand that, I even understand how it is the only thing that clears your mind and gets you ready to walk back inside those four walls of hell, a place commonly referred to as work. But what I don't understand is why it is sometimes carried in fine china while a person walks their child to school, or why it is in a mug the size of a smart car as its owner drives down the road drinking from it. 

Lately I have been in complete shock at how many people carry their coffee cups while dropping off their children at school. I'm not talking travel cup either, and yes I do know the difference. Missy is a coffee drinker and when she leaves the house she will take it in one of our three travel mugs. However the parents that I have seen lately are carrying cups that I would find in my grandmother's kitchen cabinet or possibly the laundry room cabinet if your grandmother is forgetting which room she is in.

Today as Dylan and I sat outside the school in the car waiting for just the right moment to head into class, I saw a woman drive up in her SUV. She stopped at the curb and motioned for her kids to hop out. As the kids walked away one turned to waive good-bye. Unfortunately the child never saw mom waive back. She was closed eyed with both hands on her red ceramic style mug as she slowly tilted it towards her mouth. She took a sip and as she lowered the cup slowly she looked as if she was about to have an orgasm. She smiled and her shoulders lowered as she exhaled all while her eyes remained closed. She had gone to a place that many people go each day, and she had done it in her car with her house cup. She then hit the gas and pulled out in front of another car. It wasn't close enough to cause a wreck but she could have been polite and waited. After that Dylan and I got out of the car and headed to class. We walked up the black-top and along the way I saw a man with a cup. He was carrying a normal, white, porcelain coffee cup as he and his son walked the black-top with the rest of the school children. One hand was grasping his son's, while the other hand was gripped firmly around the handle of his house cup. He stuck his head forward while he maneuvered the cup up to his mouth for a drink as they continued to walk. Normally there is another dad with his youngest child in a baby carrier strapped to his chest that walks around with his house cup. His older child wonders about while he sips hot coffee while trying not to spill it on the baby’s head. He's the kind of guy who holds the door with one hand and drinks with the other causing you to limbo around him so as not to bump his drinking arm, but we didn’t see him today. As I walked back to the car I noticed another woman, coffee cup in hand as she pulled up to drop her son off at the curb. A passerby waived at her and she fluttered her last three fingers on the hand holding the cup to signal some sort of an acknowledgement to her friend. There's a three way intersection that I needed to cross to get to my car, and she was parked in the crosswalk where I would normally walk. Her son closed the door and turned to run to class as I came to the crosswalk. She was now sipping out of her cup as she pulled into the middle of the intersection. To the left of her there was a car waiting to turn in the same direction she was going from the side street. She slowed down and motioned to the other car, so as to get them to drive on past her. The car turned and went around her SUV. She then proceeded to make a u-turn in the intersection all while sipping from her cup. I stood on the sidewalk waiting for the circus show to drive back past me before venturing out into the street. I even saw a woman driving down the road with her house coffee cup as we went to pick up Trevor from school today at 11:40 am. Obviously she had a much longer night and therefore was slowly joining the rest of the population who had already climaxed while driving their car drinking from their house coffee cup. I am in awe of the item commonly known as a coffee cup and how it no longer is sentenced to a life at home. I was unaware of its everyday use outside the house and the joy it continually brings people.

I think I'm going to go buy myself a coffee cup tonight. I'm envisioning one of the old styles where the base of the cup is about three times as big as the opening. I might even get a non slip pad and glue it down on my dash so I can keep it up there as I drive all the kids back and forth from school. 

Dreaming of Cheesecakes

 Yesterday was Thanksgiving. Our Thanksgiving's have always been filled with time spent at my sister's house and Dave & Shila's house. It was that way before Jen passed away and it has remained that way. This was the third year without Jen and the second one with Missy. For those of you noticing, the sentence above is a disaster. Break it down; I noted both women together in a sentence, I have placed Jen's name first which could be construed as to how I see these women (first and second), I took the route of a pessimist instead of an optimist by starting "without Jen" instead of "with Missy", and now since I have over analyzed one small sentence I might be crazy or a freak. Truth be told this is how many of my days play out. I spend time analyzing what was said or not said, what actions there were or were not, the feelings that were had or the lack of them. At the center of all of this are two women, one alive and supportive while the other one is dead and also supportive. It is quite a situation. 

    For Thanksgiving, Jen would bake pumpkin cheese cakes shaped as mini pumpkins to take to both houses that we were visiting. After she passed away I feel it has become my duty to make sure that the cheese cakes make it with us to each location, and in all honesty I enjoy making them. This year was no different. I had Trevor and Dylan help me this year which was a nice change from the past years. The boys and I acted silly and goofed off the whole time which brought a fantastic feeling to the whole experience. Each boy cracked eggs and added sugar or all spice. They stirred mixtures and added giggles. They turned on the big mixer and licked up crumbs. When I would raise the whisk out of the bowl to add another egg they would swipe their finger under it to catch a taste of our delicious product. It was perfect. 

At my sister's house she smiled and shot me a look when we came in with the cheese cakes. While eating them later she spoke of how the cheese cakes were tasty and we briefly spoke of how they were Jen's recipe. It was nice and respectful. 

At Dave and Shila's the cheese cakes were put in the fridge to keep cool. I wondered if it was to move them out of sight, but I don't think that was the case at all. After dinner we pulled them out and they sat on the table while the kids were given ice cream. After the kids were set, the grownups sat down and enjoyed the cheese cakes. Everyone seemed to like them. There wasn't any discussion about them being Jen's recipe.

In the car during our travels from house to house Missy said, "Thank you for making the cheese cakes." After saying you're welcome and thinking about it for a second I asked her why she was thankful for that? She said, "because of the meaning behind them, what they stand for and for Jen." I have always felt Missy understands the importance of Jen in our lives. I marvel at how well she manages it all. 

Earlier in the day I had left a message on Jen's Facebook page which I had asked Missy to read. She said it was very sweet. I got the feeling it had hurt Missy, so I asked. She expressed a profound feeling that I had not thought of. She expressed to me that it felt like I was being unfaithful to both her and Jen. A notion that could be looked at as ludicrous, because one woman is alive and the other one is dead. Yet when you look at the situation it makes great sense. I can relate and understand how someone could be unhealthy in the way they cling onto a loved one who has passed. To fantasize about that lost love and the want to restore it, is a normal process in losing someone I believe. It takes time for the reality to sink in that they will not be coming back, that you will not see them in the "human form" here on earth. You may experience them as a spirit, or a vision, or in your dreams, however you will not be able to return to how it once was prior to before them passing. I would say I have a good grasp on this aspect. Sure I'm bias, I'm talking about myself but I truly feel I do well in this area. What I didn't realize is that my level of "well" might hurt others around me. In the beginning, after Jen passed, I was more aware of this and now that I have found love again I feel I have not put as much thought into it. Selfish of me yes, but I felt for good reason. To hear the woman you love say it feels like I'm being unfaithful caused me to think about it. While I thought about it and apologized for it, she told me it was okay. She said she understood and that she felt it was respectful, it just hurt. For a woman who has chosen to be part of our lives, who has chosen to be uncomfortable with me, who has chosen to endure the looks and the pointing of fingers and the words from family that say, "I disagree with your life, your choices and I want nothing to do with you" or "My family will not be introduced to them", I think she is amazing. I am thankful for Missy and everything she is to us. I know I don't make it easy. 

    I find life to be fascinating and at times I might read into it too much. Following the heels of our Thanksgiving I felt a slight distance from Missy this morning. I had woken at about six am to let the dogs out and when I climbed back into bed I snuggled next to Missy and gave her a little kiss on the shoulder. She was awake but kind of distant. After asking her if she was okay and not getting a good feeling that she was I asked if she had a bad dream. She said, "It wasn't bad, but it didn't feel good either." After prodding her for the details she said she had a dream of Jen and I being intimate. In my mind I believe this was caused by a spillover from the day before and I found myself sorry and upset that I had hurt her. I feel dreams are not exactly controllable but that if we pay attention to them there are some good lessons to be learned. We spoke about it for a little while and I could feel the distance between us fade away. It wasn't long before we were both back off to dream land.

This time I had a dream. In the dream, Missy and I were in the living room of a house, there were a group of Missy's friends and a group of Jen's friends. While we were sitting there a friend of Missy's was holding our house phone and she said, "It’s time to change the voice-mail greeting. It should be something about the kids. It should be about your group that you are creating with the kids." Missy replied with “No” it’s Jen's voice on the machine. After another push by this friend it gets expressed how that might be difficult to let go of. A husband of one of Jen’s friends chimes in and says this is just like what I do at work; how I help people deal with difficult things. At this point I lash out at him expressing my thoughts and feelings that his line of business has nothing to do with this and that he has no understanding of the situation. I follow it up with letting him know we don't need to make this situation about him and that he should keep quiet. The woman who originally brought the subject up tries again and I snap at her yelling, "But it’s the only thing I have to hear her voice on." In the dream I am crying and angry at this point. I try to catch my breath and I mutter, "It’s nice to hear her every now and then." I turn and glance at Missy. She looks at me with a look that tells me she feels betrayed, like I just cheated on her. I stand staring at her eyes and while crying I say, "But I love you." She stands, says "I know", gathers her things and then leaves out the front door. As I stand there wondering what just happened our friends try to give me advice. 

I watched Missy walk pass the window and down the street, her friends followed and then most everyone else left too. A few of Jen's friends lingered around to give me some advice. I find myself searching for space to be alone. I leave the house and head out to find Missy. As I search for her I find myself in the elevator of a high-rise building headed up. I have left my cell phone behind but I have the house phone. This is the phone that represents the voice-mail greeting with Jen’s voice. I try calling Missy and I have a hard time remembering her number. I miss dial the first 2 times. The next time I enter in the right numbers. As I’m in the elevator I look around. I notice I'm standing there with two older women who both start moving to a single corner causing a large distance between us, they are uneasy and unsure of me. I get the sensation that they are mad at me, or upset with me. They are not supporting me, which I am sure of. Someone answers and the voice on the other end of the phone is my sister. She acts like it’s a call center saying, "Thank you for calling Missy she’ll be right with you." As I wait my sister then says, "This has been a very important day in your life it’s time to wake up and support Missy." The elevator is now clicking away as it rises. I get a sick feeling in my gut and I think to myself, am I getting set up? The entire event starting with the statement from Missy's friend, to the older women in the elevator, to my sister and even Missy's response to her friend feels contrived. Missy voice is now on the phone and says, "now that you have gotten all of that out." I stop her and say, "Is this a set up?" She says you have been holding this stuff in for so long, you need to let it out. At this point I arrive to the twenty-fourth floor and after the elevator dings I’m standing in the elevator with a large green platter. There are raised letters on the platter and as I come out of my confusion I see it’s a message. The top line reads, "This is not a set up, the feelings you just had were real." The next section reads, "Even though the manner in which the feelings and information were extracted were that of an elaborate plan, it is all true. You needed to release these feelings and therefore your loved ones all played a role in getting that accomplished." It was a wicked scheme just like in the move "The Game" starring Michael Douglas and Sean Penn.

I woke in a panic. I woke scared that Missy would not be there; that I had ran her off. I was afraid that I disrespected Jen in some way. I was afraid both groups of friends would not support both Missy and Jen. It has been a struggle of mine for some time now. I have yet to find the balance or the answer, and I'm not sure if there is one. I can picture it in my mind. I can see the merger of the two lives; one with Missy full of life and love always in the moment, and I can see the other with Jen never forgetting where I came from and always thankful for her helping shape who I am. 

Maybe the dream is to help me see Missy's side more. Maybe it is to help me be more understanding to the feelings involved in our lives. Maybe it's for me to be open to our friends and their suggestions. Maybe it's to be more supportive of the difficulties of our family and friends who struggle with the loss of Jen and therefore my dating Missy. Maybe it is Jen sending me a vivid message that it's ok to focus more on Missy and to let go just a little. Maybe it's my subconscious trying to kick myself in the ass. And maybe it's just another dream where I need to remember to stick to my roots; I love life, I love my life and I am optimistic on what it will continue to bring me and those around me!