Mail For Mommy

    Over the past year there has been a difference in the way the boys act and respond when it comes to anything dealing with their mom. Because they were all so young when she passed away, Dylan was four Trevor was two and Cody was fifteen months, it's expected that they would see it different as they started to age and gain knowledge of the circle of life. In the beginning the boys were unable to understand the word heaven. Instead I explained to them that mommy was in outer space, that she was not ever going to come back but that she could look down and see us all the time. The boys understood this concept in their own way and it was even comforting to them. After a short time of using that explanation, and with the help of my therapist Angela, we moved into explaining heaven was in outer space and that mommy was actually in heaven. It took a little time for the transition to take place. It started with the boys saying, "my mommy is in outer space, in heaven." To what we hear now from the boys, "my mommy is in heaven." It's over two and a half years since she passed away and the term of "heaven" has been the one used for about six months now. With every stage of the boy's lives we relive the death of Jen through the questions they ask. I would imagine that sounds heart wrenching, and at times it can be. When the boys first started to using the word heaven I thought, "oh they get it, we're good to go." But I was quickly reminded from Angela that with children, each new transition brings on more knowledge and understanding that will cause a reordering of the way they think. That some of the things they once believed in will no longer be true and therefore they will have to resort and relive the information to figure out where and how it's stored for them. In essence they will relive the process of understanding the passing of their mother several times through out their childhood and even into adulthood. She added a nice little jab in when she reminded me that each child will do it differently and at different times so we should expect this with all three boys in some way or another for then next ten to twenty years. No doubt I'm a realist and I appreciate the "no beating around the bush" form of communication, but trust me this one could have been sugar coated for me. 

    Angela has been right about the boys transitioning through the loss of Jen. Every leap in understanding bringing new questions and new ways for them to understand and find comfort in the loss of their mom. For Dylan, he has taken on and mimicked his response after Jen's family. Jen's parents and her brothers have a difficult time talking about her. When I speak of her or when Missy asks questions about her in their presence the room goes eerily quiet and a level of uncomfortableness takes over. In some cases Jen's mom, Shila will say a thing or two about Jen when we bring her up. It has taken Shila a long time to get to this point. In the past she would cry at the sound of Jen's name being said. Jen's dad Dave is able to talk about her in a one-on-one setting. Dave normally is very straight forward about the loss of Jen, he's still angry and pissed off. I think he has earned that right, even though I wish for him and Shila to be at a more peaceful place with it. Jen's brother David will speak of her to the boys but in a limited fashion, and he will rarely speak of her outside the boys presence. Her brother Jason expressed his difficulty talking about her to me. You still can hear the pain in his voice when he mention Jen or the boys, yet he seems to try hard to do it. Dylan has the same tendencies as all of this. He will smile when he hears her name, but he will not actively engage in the conversation. When we ask him specific questions about her, he shies away from them and gives quick short answers. He has said before, "I don't like talking about mommy cause everyone cries when we do." A true statement when I look at the history of it. No doubt most people shy away from the topic of death. It's one that is uncomfortable for most people. Perhaps Dylan is the "Stats-Quo" when it comes to talking about Jen.

    Trevor is a bit different with all of it. If you were to put a label on Trevor it would be somewhere in the realm of lover, possibly a person who can channel spirits, intuitive with a bit of tension. Ever since Trevor was young he had a level of energy his body would give off that the other two have yet to tap into. Trevor is able to know what he needs and he tries to get it. In some cases he has a block, either mental or physical which keeps him from obtaining whatever it is he needs, resulting in crying or frustration. After Jen passed Trevor went internally for a long while. He became more quiet, he became more to himself, he was often emotional and easily frazzled. When my sister, also named Jen, would see Trevor she would hold him for twenty to thirty minutes each time. At playgroup I would ask the other mothers to pick him up and to hold him whenever they got the chance. Trevor was missing a mothers touch the moment Jen went into the hospital, so anytime he could get some loving from a mother we pushed for it. I remember lying on the couch on my days off with Trevor wrapped in my arms for hours. He would just lay there, uninterested in playing or doing anything. Several months after Jen passed I asked him if he had seen mommy lately, I would remind the boys to dream of her and to talk to her cause she was always with us, he said, "yes." I asked a few more questions and he said, "she comes to see me." I have no doubt that he does see her, that he communicates with her in some form. Before Missy and the girls moved in with us, we had a few sleep overs here at the house. Mostly because I had found someone, that being Missy, that I wanted to spend as much of my time with but also to see how the kids would respond. On one particular morning when I was getting ready for work, Missy was planning on leaving to go do some work and my dad Obie had shown up to watch the boys, Trevor showed signs of struggling emotionally. I tried to comfort him and to talk with him but he was not at all responding to me. My dad tried to do the same and again he showed no interest. Missy had him climb up on the couch with her and he melted into her body. As the story goes, I left for work and Missy stayed the morning snuggled up on the couch with Trevor for over an hour. Dad took care of the kids and got the morning rolling, but Trevor just stayed with Missy. That's kind of how it's been for Trevor ever since. He will listen to stories about Jen, he will smile when we talk about her, he will tell us some of the conversations he has with her and at times he will cry hard for her while saying, "I miss mommy." With all of these he will gravitate towards Missy for comfort and security. 

    Cody deals with the loss of Jen completely different as well. Since he was only fifteen months old when she passed, he has no true memories of his own about her that he is able to recall. We tell him stories about mommy to help him create memories of her. Stories about him and her, his brothers and her, all of us and her and of course just her. Out of the three boys he still does not have a full understanding of what it means for Jen to be in heaven. He used to say she was in space and now it's, "my mommy in heaven!" I can't do it justice by writing it. His cute little voice with his high level of complete ownership of the statement is magical. Even the way it sounds, "My mommy en hea-B-en" is so damn cute. Early on in my relationship with Missy, Cody would say "my mommy" for things that related to Jen. Sometimes Evey would follow that statement with, "my mommy" resulting in an argument where cody would say loudly and rudely, "NO MY MOMMY". His ownership of his mother is unmatched by any of the others and he has no reservations expressing it. It's completely welcoming, yet the rudeness about it is a constant area of work for us with him. 

    A few nights ago I was working in the garage on a project. Because of our, Missy and mine, level of being anal and wanting everything in order we came up with an idea to keep Lego's sorted, out of the way and easily accessible. So I have been building and constructing this thing in the garage for about a week now. On this particular night, after asking Missy if she was alright with me trying to finish it up while she gave bath's to the kids, Cody came out to check on me. He had just finished his bath and asked me to smell his hair. I love smelling their clean fresh head after a bath and they all run to me to complete the ritual after almost every time. After smelling his hair he asked me, "when is my mommy going to come back from heaven and visit me at my house?" There had not been any talk about Jen prior to this question so I wasn't sure what prompted it. I sat down on a step ladder in the garage with Cody on my lap and we started talking about his mommy. Missy walked out and headed towards us. She stopped half way after hearing the topic and asked if she should come back. I told her no and she sat down to join us. After talking about Jen and letting Cody ask some questions, Missy asked Cody if he wanted to write mommy a letter. Cody lit up and shouted, YEA!" They went inside and Cody wrote a letter for Jen. I don't know what was written or what shapes were made on the paper. He seal it up and came out to show me. Missy had written "Mommy Scott" on the outside of the envelope. In one corner she had written Cody's name and in the other corner there was a flag stamp. He had the biggest smile on his face while he was showing me the letter. He asked if he could mail it and we told him in a few days. It was Sunday and the next day was a federal holiday. For the next four days Cody carried around his letter. He showed it to family members that came to the house and he explained what was inside of it. He had a huge level of excitement when showing and talking about his letter. On Thursday Cody decided it was time to mail it. We had gotten home from picking up Trevor at school and had just come inside to make lunch. Cody walked over and grabbed his letter. He came up to me and said, "daddy when can I mail my mommy's mail?" We headed outside right then. As we walked across the street to the mailbox he held my hand. What was once just a silver box that brought bills had just taken on a new identity. It represented a conduit for Cody. A connection to a life lost from a little boy who wanted nothing more than to see his mommy one more time. As we walked towards the mailbox my heart sped up a little in anticipation of once the mail is no longer in Cody's hands. I slid my hands under his arms, squeezed his body and lifted him up. He put the letter inside the mail slot and shoved it in. I turned him around to be face to face and his smile and gentle look was breath taking. I hugged his sweet little body as he melted into me. I stood on the sidewalk and cried while he wrapped his little arms around my neck and squeezed. I whispered in his ear, "I am so proud of you sweetheart, mommy loves you so much." I held him as we walked back across the street and into the house. I snuck a return label on the back of the letter so that we would get it back. We will put it in Cody's keep sake box for when he is old enough to understand the whole thing. It was one I just couldn't let go. Later when Missy got home Cody ran to her to tell her all about it. She held him in her lap on the couch while he explained how he put the letter in the mailbox, all the while having a huge smile on his face. She hugged him and with tears in her eyes she told him his mommy was the luckiest mommy ever. It was a perfect moment. 

    I am so proud of the boys and I am in awe of Missy. She understands the importance of Jen in our lives. I'm sure she feels like she's second to Jen in some cases, but she need not feel that way. It's hard to explain and just as hard to understand. Missy and Jen are two important women in our lives that don't need to be compared, although we all do it. They both are loved, respected, cherished and needed in our lives. I love you Missy, thank you for being who you are to all of us!!!