Andy and I just watched the movie Rabbit Hole yesterday. But let’s back up to this past week.
Andy’s sister in law passed away on January 10th after a brave fight with breast cancer. She left behind a devoted husband and two small girls. Obviously this is very close to us and brings up many many memories and feelings for the boys. Many a night I have tucked Cody into bed and as I stroke his hair, he tells me “ I want my mommy to come back but she can’t. I miss my mommy.” And all I can say is “I know Buddy, I wish your mommy could come back. I am so sorry. I want my Daddy to come back too and he can’t”
The three-year anniversary of my father passing away was January 18th. I found myself reliving everything leading up to that day - the smell of his bedroom, the feel of his hand in mine as he stopped breathing and the ache in my heart when he was gone.
So, what do we decided to do on a cold, dark, rainy afternoon? Watch a movie about a couple that loses their 4-year-old son, and in turn, almost lose each other.
In typical fashion, we dissected every part of the movie and talk in depth about how easily that situation could tear a marriage apart. We talked about guilt and blame.
This is a stinging point for me. Every time I reflect on my life…. My joys and blessings and focus on what I am grateful for – my New Year’s resolution is journal writing and I try to start off with three things I am grateful for – I feel the sting of reality. I would have none of this if someone else hadn’t died.
And I feel that is how some people perceive me, like I was waiting on the sidelines for Jen to pass away so I could sweep in and have her great life.
Sometimes it’s hard to be happy and feel gratitude when you feel guilt.
It was at this point in our conversation when I heard Cody’s puffs of breaths as he was laying in the hallway behind our couch. It is his way of telling us he is awake, but doesn’t want to get in trouble for getting up.
We called him up into out laps and snuggled with him. Andy asked if he had any dreams and he said yes. “Oh really, what did you dream about?” Andy asked. “Mommy” Cody sweetly replied. “What were you and mommy doing?” Andy asked him. And Cody said “Watching Cars 1”
I hugged him and I couldn’t stop myself. I found myself sobbing. He wasn’t scared. He just kept hugging me back. I caught Andy’s eye for a second too and he was crying. I couldn’t stop… It lasted for a good 2-3 minutes. Just tears. Then Cody gave me a sweet kiss and went into the playroom to play with Dylan and Trevor.
I told Andy “I hope that when the boys grow up, they know that I would have done anything to give them their mommy back. But there is nothing I can do, so I just love them”
Andy and I talk a lot about people’s perception. It is my strong belief that in general society seems to be more tolerant of a married spouse falling in love with someone else and having an affair, than a widow/er grieving and finding love again.
As if now that Andy and I are together, we don’t talk about Jen. But that’s the farthest from the truth. I ask questions about her and listen to stories of their dating, engagement and wedding. I listen to childbirth and vacation stories. We talk about their relationship in terms of marriage and parenting.
And we look at pictures, and videos. I just found a great picture of Jen and the boys I have always liked and put it up on the fridge for all to see. When we had Jen’s birthday celebration at the house, I stayed in bed with Cody and watched the slideshow of Jens pictures from her memorial. I think we watched it three times. And I laminated pictures of Jen, Andy and the boys to hang on the boy’s backpacks. The same backpack that every time we pick up Trevor from school Cody grabs and says, “Trev, I please look at my mommy’s picture”
The reasons behind this are many fold. The first one is that everything in Andy’s past made him the man I love. And that includes Jen. She helped create the partner and father I love and respect. The second one is that I made a promise to do anything to make sure the boys know everything they can about Jen. That we never let her memory die and that she is an important person in our family.
Does any of that make it any easier…. Honestly, no. It still stings when the boys cry “I miss Mommy” and he responds with “I know, me too.” And my mind races…. What does he miss? What am I not providing? What am I not doing? Am I enough? Will I ever be? Do you know what it is like to constantly compare your self to a dead person? I do, and I always fall short.
I do know, though, at the end of the day. When I tuck three little boys into bed and I get hugs, kisses and “I love you’s” that it IS enough - in that moment. And when Andy tells me he loves me, and he’s so glad I am in their lives, that it is enough. For that moment, it is enough. And we have realized one important thing - to find Joy and Love in the moment, because that is all we have - those moments.
| Rabbit Hole Trailer |
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