Yesterday was Thanksgiving. Our Thanksgiving's have always been filled with time spent at my sister's house and Dave & Shila's house. It was that way before Jen passed away and it has remained that way. This was the third year without Jen and the second one with Missy. For those of you noticing, the sentence above is a disaster. Break it down; I noted both women together in a sentence, I have placed Jen's name first which could be construed as to how I see these women (first and second), I took the route of a pessimist instead of an optimist by starting "without Jen" instead of "with Missy", and now since I have over analyzed one small sentence I might be crazy or a freak. Truth be told this is how many of my days play out. I spend time analyzing what was said or not said, what actions there were or were not, the feelings that were had or the lack of them. At the center of all of this are two women, one alive and supportive while the other one is dead and also supportive. It is quite a situation.
For Thanksgiving, Jen would bake pumpkin cheese cakes shaped as mini pumpkins to take to both houses that we were visiting. After she passed away I feel it has become my duty to make sure that the cheese cakes make it with us to each location, and in all honesty I enjoy making them. This year was no different. I had Trevor and Dylan help me this year which was a nice change from the past years. The boys and I acted silly and goofed off the whole time which brought a fantastic feeling to the whole experience. Each boy cracked eggs and added sugar or all spice. They stirred mixtures and added giggles. They turned on the big mixer and licked up crumbs. When I would raise the whisk out of the bowl to add another egg they would swipe their finger under it to catch a taste of our delicious product. It was perfect.
At my sister's house she smiled and shot me a look when we came in with the cheese cakes. While eating them later she spoke of how the cheese cakes were tasty and we briefly spoke of how they were Jen's recipe. It was nice and respectful.
At Dave and Shila's the cheese cakes were put in the fridge to keep cool. I wondered if it was to move them out of sight, but I don't think that was the case at all. After dinner we pulled them out and they sat on the table while the kids were given ice cream. After the kids were set, the grownups sat down and enjoyed the cheese cakes. Everyone seemed to like them. There wasn't any discussion about them being Jen's recipe.
In the car during our travels from house to house Missy said, "Thank you for making the cheese cakes." After saying you're welcome and thinking about it for a second I asked her why she was thankful for that? She said, "because of the meaning behind them, what they stand for and for Jen." I have always felt Missy understands the importance of Jen in our lives. I marvel at how well she manages it all.
Earlier in the day I had left a message on Jen's Facebook page which I had asked Missy to read. She said it was very sweet. I got the feeling it had hurt Missy, so I asked. She expressed a profound feeling that I had not thought of. She expressed to me that it felt like I was being unfaithful to both her and Jen. A notion that could be looked at as ludicrous, because one woman is alive and the other one is dead. Yet when you look at the situation it makes great sense. I can relate and understand how someone could be unhealthy in the way they cling onto a loved one who has passed. To fantasize about that lost love and the want to restore it, is a normal process in losing someone I believe. It takes time for the reality to sink in that they will not be coming back, that you will not see them in the "human form" here on earth. You may experience them as a spirit, or a vision, or in your dreams, however you will not be able to return to how it once was prior to before them passing. I would say I have a good grasp on this aspect. Sure I'm bias, I'm talking about myself but I truly feel I do well in this area. What I didn't realize is that my level of "well" might hurt others around me. In the beginning, after Jen passed, I was more aware of this and now that I have found love again I feel I have not put as much thought into it. Selfish of me yes, but I felt for good reason. To hear the woman you love say it feels like I'm being unfaithful caused me to think about it. While I thought about it and apologized for it, she told me it was okay. She said she understood and that she felt it was respectful, it just hurt. For a woman who has chosen to be part of our lives, who has chosen to be uncomfortable with me, who has chosen to endure the looks and the pointing of fingers and the words from family that say, "I disagree with your life, your choices and I want nothing to do with you" or "My family will not be introduced to them", I think she is amazing. I am thankful for Missy and everything she is to us. I know I don't make it easy.
I find life to be fascinating and at times I might read into it too much. Following the heels of our Thanksgiving I felt a slight distance from Missy this morning. I had woken at about six am to let the dogs out and when I climbed back into bed I snuggled next to Missy and gave her a little kiss on the shoulder. She was awake but kind of distant. After asking her if she was okay and not getting a good feeling that she was I asked if she had a bad dream. She said, "It wasn't bad, but it didn't feel good either." After prodding her for the details she said she had a dream of Jen and I being intimate. In my mind I believe this was caused by a spillover from the day before and I found myself sorry and upset that I had hurt her. I feel dreams are not exactly controllable but that if we pay attention to them there are some good lessons to be learned. We spoke about it for a little while and I could feel the distance between us fade away. It wasn't long before we were both back off to dream land.
This time I had a dream. In the dream, Missy and I were in the living room of a house, there were a group of Missy's friends and a group of Jen's friends. While we were sitting there a friend of Missy's was holding our house phone and she said, "It’s time to change the voice-mail greeting. It should be something about the kids. It should be about your group that you are creating with the kids." Missy replied with “No” it’s Jen's voice on the machine. After another push by this friend it gets expressed how that might be difficult to let go of. A husband of one of Jen’s friends chimes in and says this is just like what I do at work; how I help people deal with difficult things. At this point I lash out at him expressing my thoughts and feelings that his line of business has nothing to do with this and that he has no understanding of the situation. I follow it up with letting him know we don't need to make this situation about him and that he should keep quiet. The woman who originally brought the subject up tries again and I snap at her yelling, "But it’s the only thing I have to hear her voice on." In the dream I am crying and angry at this point. I try to catch my breath and I mutter, "It’s nice to hear her every now and then." I turn and glance at Missy. She looks at me with a look that tells me she feels betrayed, like I just cheated on her. I stand staring at her eyes and while crying I say, "But I love you." She stands, says "I know", gathers her things and then leaves out the front door. As I stand there wondering what just happened our friends try to give me advice.
I watched Missy walk pass the window and down the street, her friends followed and then most everyone else left too. A few of Jen's friends lingered around to give me some advice. I find myself searching for space to be alone. I leave the house and head out to find Missy. As I search for her I find myself in the elevator of a high-rise building headed up. I have left my cell phone behind but I have the house phone. This is the phone that represents the voice-mail greeting with Jen’s voice. I try calling Missy and I have a hard time remembering her number. I miss dial the first 2 times. The next time I enter in the right numbers. As I’m in the elevator I look around. I notice I'm standing there with two older women who both start moving to a single corner causing a large distance between us, they are uneasy and unsure of me. I get the sensation that they are mad at me, or upset with me. They are not supporting me, which I am sure of. Someone answers and the voice on the other end of the phone is my sister. She acts like it’s a call center saying, "Thank you for calling Missy she’ll be right with you." As I wait my sister then says, "This has been a very important day in your life it’s time to wake up and support Missy." The elevator is now clicking away as it rises. I get a sick feeling in my gut and I think to myself, am I getting set up? The entire event starting with the statement from Missy's friend, to the older women in the elevator, to my sister and even Missy's response to her friend feels contrived. Missy voice is now on the phone and says, "now that you have gotten all of that out." I stop her and say, "Is this a set up?" She says you have been holding this stuff in for so long, you need to let it out. At this point I arrive to the twenty-fourth floor and after the elevator dings I’m standing in the elevator with a large green platter. There are raised letters on the platter and as I come out of my confusion I see it’s a message. The top line reads, "This is not a set up, the feelings you just had were real." The next section reads, "Even though the manner in which the feelings and information were extracted were that of an elaborate plan, it is all true. You needed to release these feelings and therefore your loved ones all played a role in getting that accomplished." It was a wicked scheme just like in the move "The Game" starring Michael Douglas and Sean Penn.
I woke in a panic. I woke scared that Missy would not be there; that I had ran her off. I was afraid that I disrespected Jen in some way. I was afraid both groups of friends would not support both Missy and Jen. It has been a struggle of mine for some time now. I have yet to find the balance or the answer, and I'm not sure if there is one. I can picture it in my mind. I can see the merger of the two lives; one with Missy full of life and love always in the moment, and I can see the other with Jen never forgetting where I came from and always thankful for her helping shape who I am.
Maybe the dream is to help me see Missy's side more. Maybe it is to help me be more understanding to the feelings involved in our lives. Maybe it's for me to be open to our friends and their suggestions. Maybe it's to be more supportive of the difficulties of our family and friends who struggle with the loss of Jen and therefore my dating Missy. Maybe it is Jen sending me a vivid message that it's ok to focus more on Missy and to let go just a little. Maybe it's my subconscious trying to kick myself in the ass. And maybe it's just another dream where I need to remember to stick to my roots; I love life, I love my life and I am optimistic on what it will continue to bring me and those around me!
