127 hours

“You know, I've been thinking, everything is...just comes together. It's me. I chose this. I chose all of this. This rock...this rock has been waiting for me my entire life. It's entire life. Ever since it was a bit of meteorite a million, billion years ago. There in space. It's been waiting, to come here. Right, right here. I've been moving towards it my whole life. The minute I was born, every breath I've taken, every action has been leading me to this crack on the out surface.” Aron Ralston

127 Hours Movie Trailer

As Andy and I watched the movie, 127 Hours, about the hiker, Aron Ralston, who got his arm trapped and had to cut it off to escape, this line really stayed with me.  Andy and I believe our love is so great because we choose it. Everything in our past has lead us to this point and we choose to be together. We choose to love each other. There is nothing that binds us expect our desire to love each other. To show each other love, every minute of every day.

I’ve made mistakes in my past - big ones and small ones.

I’ve suffered unimaginable hurt by people who claimed to love me.

I’ve suffered from a grief so overwhelming, I have tried to will myself to stop breathing as I held my dad as he died from cancer.  

And, I have done monumental things…I gave birth to three amazing little human beings. I’ve slept nose to nose and held them close as I breathed them in. I gave them life.

I’ve accomplished many successful things in my professional life and met many life long goals.

And now I love beyond measure. In ways I have never known.

And I am, in return, loved beyond measure; in ways I have never known.

Andy is the one I choose. And it is hard to love in the midst of chaos and craziness. To not let others influence, affect or hurt our relationship. I choose him to love. It’s so powerful to know that. And to know that he chooses to love me back. We followed a lifetime of decisions that brought us to a place of undeniable love.

I stopped writing this a many months ago… it brought about so many emotions for me... Guilt, anger, sadness, hatred, hurt. 

After many, many months of reading books, counseling, connecting with family and writing letters, I am finally feeling a sense of peace and confidence. Peace that those who hurt me did so because they have problems, not because I do. Confidence that I can overcome and be the mother, sister, aunt, daughter, partner and friend I want to be. I will continue to move forward daily, changing moment by moment, honoring myself, admitting when I am wrong, asking for forgiveness and giving forgiveness. I will not let the past ruin my future. I will learn from it and move on.  I will even be grateful for it, because it has brought me here. I deserve all life has to give me, to be happy and loved. 




Here are some really wonderful and insightful books that we recommend: 

Down the Rabbit Hole

Andy and I just watched the movie Rabbit Hole yesterday.  But let’s back up to this past week.

Andy’s sister in law passed away on January 10^th after a brave fight with breast cancer. She left behind a devoted husband and two small girls. Obviously this is very close to us and brings up many many memories and feelings for the boys. Many a night I have tucked Cody into bed and as I stroke his hair, he tells me “ I want my mommy to come back but she can’t. I miss my mommy.” And all I can say  is “I know Buddy, I wish your mommy could come back. I am so sorry. I want my Daddy to come back too and he can’t”

The three-year anniversary of my father passing away was January 18^th. I found myself reliving everything leading up to that day - the smell of his bedroom, the feel of his hand in mine as he stopped breathing and the ache in my heart when he was gone.

So, what do we decided to do on a cold, dark, rainy afternoon? Watch a movie about a couple that loses their 4-year-old son, and in turn, almost lose each other.

In typical fashion, we dissected every part of the movie and talk in depth about how easily that situation could tear a marriage apart.  We talked about guilt and blame.

This is a stinging point for me. Every time I reflect on my life…. My joys and blessings and focus on what I am grateful for – my New Year’s resolution is journal writing and I try to start off with three things I am grateful for – I feel the sting of reality. I would have none of this if someone else hadn’t died.

And I feel that is how some people perceive me, like I was waiting on the sidelines for Jen to pass away so I could sweep in and have her great life.

Sometimes it’s hard to be happy and feel gratitude when you feel guilt.

It was at this point in our conversation when I heard Cody’s puffs of breaths as he was laying in the hallway behind our couch. It is his way of telling us he is awake, but doesn’t want to get in trouble for getting up.

We called him up into out laps and snuggled with him. Andy asked if he had any dreams and he said yes. “Oh really, what did you dream about?” Andy asked. “Mommy” Cody sweetly replied. “What were you and mommy doing?” Andy asked him. And Cody said “Watching Cars 1”

I hugged him and I couldn’t stop myself. I found myself sobbing. He wasn’t scared. He just kept hugging me back. I caught Andy’s eye for a second too and he was crying. I couldn’t stop… It lasted for a good 2-3 minutes. Just tears. Then Cody gave me a sweet kiss and went into the playroom to play with Dylan and Trevor.

I told Andy “I hope that when the boys grow up, they know that I would have done anything to give them their mommy back. But there is nothing I can do, so I just love them”

Andy and I talk a lot about people’s perception. It is my strong belief that in general society seems to be more tolerant of a married spouse falling in love with someone else and having an affair, than a widow/er grieving and finding love again.

As if now that Andy and I are together, we don’t talk about Jen. But that’s the farthest from the truth. I ask questions about her and listen to stories of their dating, engagement and wedding. I listen to childbirth and vacation stories.  We talk about their relationship in terms of marriage and parenting. 

And we look at pictures, and videos. I just found a great picture of Jen and the boys I have always liked and put it up on the fridge for all to see. When we had Jen’s birthday celebration at the house, I stayed in bed with Cody and watched the slideshow of Jens pictures from her memorial. I think we watched it three times. And I laminated pictures of Jen, Andy and the boys to hang on the boy’s backpacks.  The same backpack that every time we pick up Trevor from school Cody grabs and says, “Trev, I please look at my mommy’s picture”

The reasons behind this are many fold. The first one is that everything in Andy’s past made him the man I love. And that includes Jen. She helped create the partner and father I love and respect. The second one is that I made a promise to do anything to make sure the boys know everything they can about Jen. That we never let her memory die and that she is an important person in our family.

Does any of that make it any easier…. Honestly, no. It still stings when the boys cry “I miss Mommy” and he responds with “I know, me too.” And my mind races…. What does he miss? What am I not providing? What am I not doing? Am I enough? Will I ever be? Do you know what it is like to constantly compare your self to a dead person? I do, and I always fall short. 

I do know, though, at the end of the day. When I tuck three little boys into bed and I get hugs, kisses and “I love you’s” that it IS enough - in that moment. And when Andy tells me he loves me, and he’s so glad I am in their lives, that it is enough. For that moment, it is enough.  And we have realized one important thing - to find Joy and Love in the moment, because that is all we have - those moments. 

Rabbit Hole Trailer